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Hi everybody. We've been talking recently about happiness. We've talked about how psychology research shows us that going after the feeling of happiness doesn't pro actually produce a lot of happiness in our lives. In fact, it tends to make us more prone to anxiety and depression. That what actually does give us greater levels of wellbeing and satisfaction and happiness and better mental and physical health is pursuing what is important to us, living a life in accordance with our values, and this has as a side effect greater happiness. And I'll just say to clarify, values are not some standard pillars that are true for all of humanity. Values are what is important to you. It can be as individual as what flavor of ice cream you like best. Maybe you like chocolate. Maybe I like vanilla. We don't need to explain why we like chocolate and why we like vanilla. We simply do. Your values are what you value. Your happiness will come from pursuing your values, but you need to be able to figure out what your values are. We've talked about different ways to figure this out. One of the most recent ways that we talked about was using this sentence, I'll be happy when, dot dot dot, and filling in the blank. " I'll be happy when" helps you to know certain goals that you have for your life and you can extract your values from those goals if you have the right follow-up questions. It can be a little tricky at times to figure this out by yourself, to do all these follow up questions by yourself, and there are a couple of pitfalls that people often fall into. So I wanna tell you about three different pointers that can help you to better figure out what your values are by using this question, I'll be happy when. A lot of these ideas are coming from Russ Harris' book, the Happiness Trap that we've been referencing a lot in the past episodes, and I'll link that book in the show notes for you.

But the first principle is that values are not feelings. Values are actions. Let me give you an example. A person that I was coaching that I'll call Eva, I was trying to help her to figure out what her values were using this sentence, I'll be happy when. She felt that she would be happy when she had her own business that was really successful. So I asked her the follow-up question that we talked about before. What is that goal in the service of? Or what would that allow you to do that is meaningful to you? And one of the things that she said as she was describing what this would allow her to do is that it would help her to feel more secure and more safe and more confident. But there it is. Those are feelings. And I pointed out to her that those are feelings, and values are not feelings. Values are actions that we take. And so the next question that I asked her was, if you felt more secure and more safe and more confident, what would that allow you to do? Or what would you do differently than you're doing right now? And she realized that if she felt those things, she would end up creating things that she wanted to create rather than what other people wanted her to create. She would end up networking with people and putting herself in situations where she could meet people that would inspire her and challenge her, as well as putting herself in situations where she could be around a lot of like-minded people. These things that she said uncovered several values that she has. We realized that she, it's important to her to create things that come from within her, that don't come mandated from outside, that it's important to be continually growing and be and challenge herself. It's important to her to expose herself to people that inspire growth and challenge in her, and also to connect deeply with these people, not just superficially. So once we uncovered those values, then we could work on how to help her move in the direction of those values. But can you see how we went from her feeling answers to the action answers? She wanted to feel more secure and safe and confident, but that was not the value. We hadn't arrived there yet because values are not feelings, values are actions. Often when we start to answer this question about what would this particular goal that we want allow us to do, we end up answering it in a way that is a feeling, that we want to feel a certain way, but we have to get beyond that feeling to the actions that we would do if we already felt that way. So values are not feelings, values are actions.

The second pointer is that values are not things that dead people can do. Let me illustrate. Someone that I'll call David. I was asking him to fill in the blank "I'll be happy when," so that he could uncover his values. He said he would be happy when he is financially independent and he doesn't have to work anymore. And so I asked him the follow-up question, what is that goal in the service of? What would that allow you to do? And one of the things that he said was it would allow him to be less stressed. And I pointed out to him that that is something a dead person can do. A dead person can definitely be less stressed than he is right now, so we haven't yet arrived at his values because values are not things that dead people can do. Values are things that living people can do. Actions that living people can take. So we had to keep searching and keep uncovering and ask the next, the next question. And I, so I asked him, if you already felt less stressed, what, what would you do? What would you do different than what you're doing right now? What would that allow you to do? And some of the things that he came up with were that it would allow him to be more present in his life. It would allow him to spend more time with people that he values. It would allow him to exercise more and to go outside more. And then we were able to work on different goals that would help him get moving in that direction. Even though he couldn't achieve financial independence right now, he could work toward these values of connecting with people and spending more time with people and going outside more and exercising more. These things that were important to him, he could move in that direction even if he hadn't arrived at financial independence. So that's the second pointer to remember when you are trying to locate your values. When you look at a goal and you say, what would that allow me to do? If your answer is something that a dead person can do, then you haven't yet arrived at your value. Your value is something that a living person can do. It's an action that a living person can take that a dead person cannot take.
The third pointer for being able to locate your values from your goals is that your values are not things that other people do. Your values are things that you can do. So a client that I'll call Mike, I was coaching him through trying to find his values underneath how he answers I'll be happy when, and he had filled in the blank in the following way. He had said, I'll be happy when my students can get themselves together emotionally, when they have better emotional health and wellbeing and productivity. And so I pointed out to him, we haven't yet found your values because the way that you answered that question is something somebody else can do, something that his students can do. It's not something that he can do. And so in talking more about this, he realized that his value was that he wanted to help his students to be able to get themselves together. He wanted to be able to help other people to have greater wellbeing and emotional health and productivity. And so then we could start working on different goals that he could do, small steps that he could take to start working in that direction to be able to help other people attain better wellbeing. So the key here was to take the focus away from what other people need to change and back toward where my action is. So values are not something other people do.

Remember how we talked about how goals are like landmarks that we want to reach, but values are like a direction that we want to go like west. Even though we might reach certain landmarks on the way, rivers or mountains, these represent the goals, we can always keep going further west. We can always keep going in the direction that we're going. So values are this direction that we want our life to go. Once we know the direction that we want our lives to take, like heading west, then we can set goals to help us move in that direction. And this is really good news because sometimes the particular goals that we have that we might compare to landmarks on our journey, like a river or a mountain, sometimes those goals are not accessible. So I might not be able to be financially independent tomorrow. I might not be able to achieve my goal of having my own thriving business this week. But research in psychology teaches us that fulfillment and satisfaction come from traveling in the direction that you want to go, or in other words, living according to your values and taking actions according to what is important to you, more than toward achieving certain landmarks and see achieving certain goals. So even when we don't have access to certain goals that we have in mind, we always have access to our values, to the direction that we want to go, and that helps us to keep setting goals that will keep us moving in that direction, in that valued direction, even when certain goals are not available to us.

Viktor Frankl is a good example of this. He was a psychologist in World War II Germany, who ended up in a concentration camp. The access to basically, basically all of his former goals was blocked as he was a prisoner in this camp, but he continued to keep his values in in view. And he valued being able to help other people have better mental health. He wasn't able to do it by practicing psychology in a clinic anymore like he had done previously, but he was able to find ways to help his fellow prisoners, to write in his head the books that he would write after he got out of the camp. And with these goals that kept him moving in that valued direction, he was able to live a meaningful life, even in terrible circumstances. And this he says, made it possible for him to survive.

Russell M. Nelson, who is the late president of my church, said that happiness has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. So it's the same principle. That happiness is not about arriving at a particular destination or a particular goal, but about traveling in the direction that you value. That as soon as you start traveling in this valued direction, you can access all of these psychological and physical benefits of living with a sense of purpose and meaning, even if you haven't yet arrived at your goals. It doesn't mean you give up on your goals, but it just means that you don't have to wait to accomplish those goals in order to have all of these benefits of wellbeing and health and satisfaction right now.

So that's what's exciting about this work of trying to figure out what your values are, what your personal values are, that may be as individual as your personal favorite color or your personal flavor, favorite flavor of ice cream. But remember these three pointers, these three rules of thumb to help you to find your values as you answer that question, " I'll be happy when." First of all, you start asking, what is this goal in the service of? And what will it allow me to do? But then also remember that values are not feelings. Values are actions. Values are not things that dead people can do. They're things that living people can do. Values are not things that other people do. They're things that you do. So if you've checked all of those three boxes on your list and you have found an answer then you have found what is important to you, the direction that you want your life to move in, and then you can start setting goals that help move you in the that direction. And as soon as you start moving in that direction, you can have that feeling of happiness and wellbeing and greater resilience in the face of stress and better physical and mental health.

So thanks for listening in for these pointers today. Good luck on your personal journey and finding your values. If you want some help, it can be helpful to have a coach talk you through it. Look me up. I can schedule an individual coaching session with you and help you ask the right questions, help you locate those values. My website is calm your caveman.com.

Stay tuned now for our kindness narrative. Remember, this isn't just a fuzzy, warm and fuzzy feelgood moment. This is an important practice for your mental health. So stay tuned. It's pretty painless. And also remember to share your own kindness narrative, because that helps rewire your brain in positive ways and helps all of us tremendously. Thanks to everyone who shared. Have a good week.

This experience happened many years ago, just after I had given birth to a baby girl. I had been serving as a volunteer singing leader for the children in our church congregation each Tuesday after school. Now that I had a new baby, I wasn't sure how I could continue. She was a happy baby, but would still need care during the course of an afternoon practice. I had no relatives nearby who could help take care of her while I was gone, and we didn't have enough money to hire someone every week. One day I was visiting with my next door neighbor about my problem. She immediately said, well, I would be happy to take care of her for you. She was a woman in her sixties and I knew I could trust her. But I was concerned that even though she had the desire to help me, she might not have the energy to take care of a tiny baby. We agreed to try it for one afternoon. After singing time, that trial day, I hurried home to pick up my baby and find out how the afternoon had gone. My neighbor said that everything had gone well and she loved having my little baby girl. So I left my baby the next week and afterwards checked again on how it went. This process went on week after week. My neighbor was always ready to take my baby and always thanked me for the opportunity to care for her. She delighted as my baby grew and learned to roll over, sit up and crawl. I am very grateful for her generous and gracious service which lasted the better part of a year and enabled me to continue teaching music to the children.