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Hi everybody. Welcome to the podcast today. If you're like me, you've found yourself at different times in your life saying the sentence, I'll be happy when, and then filling in the blank with different things. People fill this sentence in, in all kinds of different ways. They think I'll be happy when I have this dream job that I'm aiming for. I'll be happy when I'm successful and I'm rich when I can live in this particular place that I wanna live in. Or when I can buy a house. I'll be happy when I am married and I have kids, or I'll be happy when the marriage that I have is better in this, and this and this way. I will be happy when my current job is not so stressful, et cetera. There's not really a problem to thinking this sentence, I'll be happy when, unless you really, honestly believe that you can't be happy until you've achi achieved this goal. If that's the case, then your life will be pretty miserable in the meantime. And I wanna teach you today a technique that can take the misery out of this sentence without giving up on the goal that it reflects.

This is a technique from a book by Russ Harris, who's a physician and psychotherapist. He wrote a book called The Happiness Trap. This Technique works because, first of all, I need to explain that research has shown that wellbeing doesn't come from us having certain situations in our lives, certain goals that we accomplish. Satisfaction and lower stress levels and greater life expectancy and better mental and physical health actually come not from accomplishing certain specific goals, or having certain specific situations in our lives like being rich, et cetera, but these things come from living according to our values.

Well, what do I mean by values? The way that we fill this sentence in, I'll be happy when what we put in the blank there reflects certain goals that we have. And a goal is something that we can check off the list. It's something that can be completed. A value on the other hand, reflects a certain direction that we're going. So if you're traveling, a value is like heading west. No matter how far you go, you can always go further west. A goal though, is like a mountain or a river that you wanna cross on your journey going west. Once you've done it, then it's done. It's it's checked off. So this sense of wellbeing and greater mental and physical health comes not from these points on the map that we think that we need to get to, but rather from this direction that we're headed, these values that direct our behavior. But how do we know what our values are? A value is what it is that is important to you, and it's, it can end up being really individual, but you can use this sentence, I'll be happy when, fill in the blank, to actually discover what your values are. And so this is the technique that I got from this book, which is called The Happiness Trap.

So anyhow, I'll give you first an example from the book. Dr. Harris is having a session with a client that he calls Jeff. He asks Jeff, you know what it is that you really want? Basically asking Jeff, how, how does he fill in this blank, I'll be happy when. And Jeff says, what I really want is to just be filthy, filthy rich. So Dr. Harris says, okay. But if you were really rich, what would that enable you to do? And Jeff says, well, lots of things Dr. Harris says, like, what? And Jeff says, travel around the world. And Dr. Harris says, well, what would you do on your travels? And he says, I would laze around on the beaches. I would explore exotic countries. I would visit the wonders of the world. Okay, says Dr. Harris. What is it that you value about lazing around on the beaches? And Jeff says, it's relaxing. It's a great way to chill out. And Dr. Harris says, well, you, so you identified relaxing and chilling out as things that you value. There's a lot of different ways that you could relax and chill out right now, and you don't have to be rich. Right? You can have a hot bath, you can do some yoga, you can listen to some music. But Jeff says, but that's not the same. I, I really like to lay around on beaches, and Dr. Harris says, well, I'm not suggesting that you give up on your goal of being able to go to the beach. I think you should save up and go to the beach. That's great. But you don't have to wait until you're rich to have the satisfaction of relaxing, and you don't even have to wait until you're on the beach to have the satisfaction of relaxing. And then he moved on to the other things that Jeff said that being rich would allow him to do. He mentioned visiting exotic countries, and so he asked him, what do you value about visiting exotic countries? And Jeff said meeting new people, tasting new cuisines, discovering exotic arts and crafts. Okay, Dr. Harris says, so if you like to taste exotic cuisine, how could you do that right now? And they talked about how he could try some ethnic restaurants and he could try some ethnic cookbooks. But Jeff says, you know, that's not the same as eating in the country. And Dr. Harris says, of course it's not, but you don't have to wait until you're rich to eat interesting, exotic ethnic food. And the same with discovering arts and crafts from different places. If you wanted to do that right now, how could you do it? And Jeff thought about how he could go to art galleries. He could go to local arts and crafts fairs. He could read about it and research it on the internet. And again, it came up that this was not the same as traveling. But Dr. Harris pointed out that, I'm just saying that if you value relaxing, eating different foods, learning about unusual arts and crafts, you can do all these things right now. You don't have to go through your life desperately wanting these things, and it doesn't mean that you give up on this goal of being able to travel the world. It just means that while you're working for this goal, you can still work according to those values right now.

So I thought this was a really interesting technique and I ended up trying it on myself. There was a period in my life for several years after we moved to Brazil, when I filled in the blank to that sentence, I'll be happy when, in the following way: I said, I'll be happy when I don't live in Brazil anymore and I can move back to the United States. The problem with this goal is that it wasn't something that I could snap my fingers and have happen. It was complicated. We needed to have a beneficial financial situation that would make it make sense for us to move back. And this involved finding jobs and all these different kinds of moving parts that weren't really totally up to me. So the problem was that for quite a while after we moved to Brazil, I was kind of pretty unhappy about being here. So I ended up doing this exercise on myself, and I started to interview myself and write down why is it that I want to move back to the us? So I started to write down my answers. Moving back to the US would mean that I could be in a culture where I'm understood and I'm appreciated, where it's easy to relate to me because the other people have the same culture. Where I speak the same language, and so I can express myself easily and fluently and with detail. Um, it would allow me to have a friend support group that's that's bigger, that understands me, and it would also allow me to have friends that enjoy doing what I like to do because my culture is more similar to theirs. I would be around people that would be more likely to understand the way that I see the world and the goals that I have. So I started to probe in the same way that Dr. Harris did with his client, Jeff, and asked myself, okay, well what would that allow me to do? What would, being in a culture where I'm understood and appreciated, where people find it more easy to relate to me, where it's easy for me to express myself because I speak the same language, what would all of that allow me to do? And I finally was able to distill it down to that all of these things that I thought I wanted were really in the service of this value, that I wanted to be able to feel a lot of connection to many people around me, and I wanted to be able to feel like I could be myself, and I wanted to be able to enjoy things that I enjoy with other people. And so of course the next step was that I needed to ask myself, what's a small action that I can do today right now that's consistent with those values, even while I'm not moving back to the United States? And I realized that one of the things that I could do is that, that day, when I was going to talk to someone that I knew and that I was, had kind of a surface friendship with, that I could, while I was around her, even though I felt self-conscious about my accent and about my limited vocabulary and my limited fluency, that I could just try and express my genuine opinion, even though it would be with an accent and with flawed language, and I could work on trying to share what I really feel, rather than just pretending like everything's fine and not letting people know what's actually going on in my life. That I could observe myself feeling that discomfort of feeling awkward and not really knowing quite how to express myself, but still go for trying to express myself and trying to let people know who I was and trying to be myself. And it was interesting that this little action gave me a sense of satisfaction of having shown a little bit of who I am, of communicating actually how I feel. And this allowed people to, to start to get to know me. And it was interesting the way that this exercise made me feel. That I actually felt a sense of satisfaction. Even though I wasn't moving back to the United States, even though I hadn't completed that goal, I felt some more sat satisfaction in having worked towards something that I really valued, which was to be be myself and working toward connecting to other people in a sincere, honest way. So I didn't give up on that goal of eventually wanting to move back to the United States, but I was able to even in the meantime, work towards something that I valued. Make choices according to what was really important to me, and that gave me a sense of not only satisfaction, but also a sense of more control over my choices and a control over my life.

Dr. Harris makes the assertion that fulfillment is available here in this very moment. Anytime you act in line with your values. That connecting with your values and acting on them is what gives you that sense of contentment and fulfillment and abundance. And of course, I would add that it also gives you a sense of greater control and autonomy, which can give you that reduced sense of anxiety because you feel like you're in charge of your life. So all of this works because research has shown that it's not being rich or having a problem free life, or having any specific set of circumstances that is what makes people happy. On the other hand, wellbeing is really created by living a value-driven and purpose-driven life. And we can always have access to our values, even when we don't have access to certain goals that we would like to accomplish. So I thought this was really cool, that we can always have access to this sense of fulfillment and abundance by living in connection with our values, but that we can actually discover what our values are by questioning those goals that we ,have by filling in that blank, "I'll be happy when." that tells us what our goals are. But once we know what our goals are, then we keep asking ourselves, well, what will that allow me to do? What is that goal and the service of? To help us to find our values that are driving that goal. And then find other small ways right now that we can act according to those values today. And that this can give us that sense of fulfillment and control and all of those benefits of living according to a sense of meaning and values and purpose that I cited in the beginning. Greater life satisfaction, lower stress levels, longer life expectancy, better mental and physical health, just general overall better wellbeing. This is always something that we can access regardless of our circumstances, if we can discover what our values are and make choices that help us to live according to those values.

So there's a suggestion for you today. Stay tuned now for our kindness narrative that helps you in your weekly practice of making gratitude a bigger part of your awareness.

Thanks for tuning in and see you next week.

The act of kindness I wish to share was not directly done for me, but as a firsthand observer, I was significantly impacted by it. My family was visiting my parents over the Christmas holiday, Christmas that year, landed on a Sunday. At the time my parents were, and actually had been for several years, serving in a volunteer capacity at our local rest home. They helped organize and run the Sunday worship services for a Christian Church to which they belong, and we're to watch over the flock, so to speak, of the elderly residents. My mother asked my wife and I if we would attend and sing a few Christmas hymns as part of their Christmas worship service. We both enjoyed singing, certainly not at a professional level, but happily agreed to do so. Not a problem, but I'm gonna be a little vulnerable here. I'll admit my reservations shall, as they were. I'm not comfortable in retirement homes. I never have been. They can be depressing and have a characteristic funky smell, but yes. I would be happy to do this small thing for my mom. We attended saying, and everything went well. It was a nice uplifting service. At the close of the service, my wife and I made our way toward the building exit. Excited to get back to the comfort of Christmas morning at my parents' home. But my mom asked if we could take a few minutes to check on a few of her resident friends who are not present at the worship service. Oh, I want you to meet my dear friend Sally. She said. And then proceeded to tell us all kinds of interesting details about this individual's life. As we walked toward her room, she knocked and called out a grieving to announce our presence as she opened the door and let us into the apartment room we followed, and there in the main room was a notably old, fragile, small woman laying in a hospital style bed. My mom sat next to the woman on her bed. She tenderly held her hand, looked into her eyes. With what I can only describe as pure, unfiltered love, and asked how she was doing and if there's anything we could do to help her feel better. And then she listened. She asked about her children and grandchildren as she listened more. When the time came to leave, my mom embraced her and told her she loved her, and she did. And so it was for an additional two or three of my mom's fragile elderly friends we visited that day. That Christmas morning, I got her front row view of what genuine unrestrained charity looks like. Although it was a one time event for me, the connection my mom had with these individuals revealed a genuine relationship she developed over time with each and every one of them. How fitting that it was the day that Christian world celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, because as I watched my mom tenderly hold the hands of these elderly individuals. Whose remaining time on earth might be numbered in days, weeks, or months? I saw the countenance of Christ in her face. I felt as though I was watching Jesus himself ministering to these individuals who are so precious to him. What a beautiful expression of love and kindness I was privileged to watch and that smelly rest home on that Christmas day. I'll never forget it and strive to do and be the same. Thank you, mom.