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I wanna talk to you today about a simple question you can ask yourself that can switch your thinking patterns out of anxiety mode and into happy person mode. This will trigger you to go into the type of thinking and behaving that happy people use when they deal with stress. This is a way of becoming richer in the things that are actually important for our happiness, happiness, because our circumstances only account for about 10% of happiness levels. What is really important is these habits that happy people have, these behaviors and ways of thinking.


Hi everybody. Welcome to the podcast. I wanna talk to you today about a simple question you can ask yourself that can switch your thinking patterns out of anxiety mode and into happy person mode. And the reason why I can claim this is because this question comes from a book by a researcher named Sonya Lyubomirsky, who we talked about before. She wrote a book called The How of Happiness, which is really kind of a summary of her career in studying the thinking and behavior patterns of happy people. She dedicated her life's work to studying what it is that happy people do to see if there's something that those of us who aren't quite as happy, who would like to be more happy, could replicate. And one of the interesting things that she brings up, which she and other happiness reachers researchers have discovered or concluded from their studies is that circumstances don't really have that much influence on people's happiness. We tend to think that maybe all the happy people are the rich people, are the beautiful people, are the people with really prestigious jobs or something like that. But she's found this isn't the case. While circumstances do have some influence on our happiness, what she's found is that it only accounts for about 10% of people's happiness levels. There are other things like genetics which count for part of people's happiness levels, but there is a huge portion of people's happiness which is actually determined by their thought and behavior patterns, by certain habits that they have. So this is what she dedicated her career to studying is what it is that these happy people do that makes them happy.
So this particular question, which she suggests that you ask yourself in moments when you're feeling stressed, when you're feeling upset, when you're feeling anxious, is one that can switch you out of the mode of thinking which gets you in the threat response, where you feel like the demands in your life are way too much for you, and toward the challenge response, where you recognize that you have resources, you have access to resources to meet your demands. And this question is the following: will this matter in a year? And then she makes it even harder by saying, okay, think about how 150 years from now, nobody who is alive will still be alive. Will this matter in 150 years from now?
When I have asked myself this question in moments when I've been anxious about different things, sometimes the answer has been No, this will not matter in a year, and no, this will certainly not matter in 150 years. Other times the answer has been, yes, this will matter. But she suggests that whether the answer is no or whether it's yes, this is still a useful question, it can still switch you into the mode of thinking that happy people use.
So times when I have asked myself this question and I've started journaling about it, and again, when I write my thoughts in the journal, I write to myself in the third person and I say, you will, instead of I, and this is for reasons that we've talked about in other episodes, which I'll link in the show notes. But anyway, here's a couple of things that I've written when I have asked myself this question and concluded that, no, it won't matter in a year and it won't matter in 150 years. I've written, " you'll look back and it will pass, have passed in the blink of an eye. You'll survive into new times. You'll look back and remember situations, situations and stories, and it'll be okay that it was what it was. It's okay that life is messy and complex. It's not what you wanted, but it is what it is and what it is always contains a gift. Every day is one of a limited number. Don't get hung up on making life perfect. It will be your perfect journey, but it will never be perfect in the sense of a hundred percent pleasant and enjoyable. This too shall pass."
So that's kind of weird, right? That being be, being more conscious of how transient your time is and your life is would actually switch you into the type of thinking that happy people use. It's pretty counterintuitive. But Sonya Lyubomirski explains that when we look at time this way, our experience becomes what she calls bittersweet. And that's where you have mixed emotions, right? You have happiness and sadness mixed together, so you are conscious that whatever's happening will soon end. And then when you're really mindful of how transient things are, then you are more likely to appreciate and savor the remaining time that you do have. So even though this question can make us sad, it also, the sadness prompts us to, instead of taking what's happening for granted, to appreciate the positive aspects of whatever's happening because we feel and we recognize that it's now or never. So this is something that happy people do, which she discusses in her book, which is that happy people, they have a habit of savoring life's, life's pleasures and living in the present moment. When my kids were little, it was pretty exhausting. It was a lot of work. It didn't, certainly didn't feel like it was passing quickly, but now looking back on it, I realize how quickly it passed. It was really fast. And I wish that I had asked myself this question more back then so that I could have been more conscious of the fact that every day with them little was one of a limited number, and I could have been better at savoring all these wonderful moments that I had access to when they were little that I don't have access to in the same way anymore. So anyway, don't be afraid to ask yourself this question and feel that bittersweet sadness of the fact that things are passing quickly, because that will help you to switch into really savoring what it is that's happening right now. It'll help you to live in the present moment, which is something happy people do.
Another thing that asking this question, asking and answering this question can do is that it can help you to see what is that's most important to you before it's too late. So when I've asked myself this question and realized that my time is limited, it helps me to realize, well, okay, I don't have unlimited time like I wish I did, but what do I wanna do with the time that I have? It helps me to realize that it matters to do what is meaningful to me with the time that I have. And this is another habit, another thinking and behavior pattern that happy people do and have. Having a clear sense of what it is that they value and having a lot of goals active in relation to what is most important to them. So she talks about how you can find what it is that is valuable to you. We've talked about many different ways of doing that, and I'll link in the show notes past episodes where we've talked about different questions you can ask yourself. But here's one that we haven't talked about before, which I thought was interesting. She talks about how you can write down what kind of lives you want your children or your future children to lead as adults, what kind of people you want them to become, what the values you wish that they would hold, the goals that you hope that they'll attain. And the purpose of this exercise is of course, not to hold your children or your future children to the idea that you have about what would be the best future for them. And of course it's not to resist against the fact that they are their own people, but it's simply because it reveals in you what it is that is important to you. Because somehow when you're thinking about what you wish ideally for your children as far as what kind of people you want them to be become, and the values and goals that you hope that they'll pursue, this is really about your values and goals, and it helps you to discover what it is that is important to you. And when you have that sense of every day being one of a limited number and you know what it is that you want to do with your time, then it becomes a lot easier to make goals in relation to what's important to you and work on those goals. And that is something that happy people do.
Well, what about when you ask the question, and the answer is yes, that it will matter in a year, and yes, it will matter in 150 years? Well, Sonya Lyubomirski talks about how happy people have a certain way of responding to something that is stressing them out, but, and that is significant and will matter in the long term. What it is, what is it that they do? They have a certain way of coping with these difficult, stressful, anxiety producing situations, which is that they ask themselves, what can this experience teach me? Can anything good come from it? Does it present any opportunities for me? What lessons can I learn and apply for the future? What strengths can I develop as a result of this? This is something that happy people have in common, that they tend to look at the stressors in their lives this way. They tend to cope with stress in this way by trying to look and see what it is that they can learn from it.
So either way, whether you're answering this question that, no, it won't matter in a year or 150 years, or, yes, it will matter in a year or 150 years, either way this will trigger you to go into the type of thinking and behaving that happy people use when they deal with stress. This is a way of becoming richer in the things that are actually important for our happiness, happiness, because again, our circumstances only account for about 10% of happiness levels. What is really important is these habits that happy people have, these behaviors and ways of thinking. It is counterintuitive, but being able to find meaning and being able to savor your present, being able to see what your priorities are, getting clarity from knowing what you want to do with your time and your energy. These are different ways that happy people think and happy people behave.
So we've been talking a lot about the word happiness in this episode, but of course this has to do with anxiety because happy people are not chronically, debilitatingly anxious. So learning how to imitate these thought and behavior patterns of happy people can help us also to improve both in reducing our anxiety levels and in augmenting our personal happiness even through stressful times.
So don't be afraid to ask yourself this question, will this matter in a year? And will this matter in 150 years? It's kind of a bittersweet question to ask, but it'll help you to cope with your stressors and help you to live in the most happy way possible. So thanks for listening to me today and join me again next week.