podcast

Hi, everybody. Happy new year. I thought since it was the new year, it would be appropriate to talk about goals. Now if any of you are like me, you might have had a relationship or have presently a relationship with goals that makes you feel anxious. I, in the past often had a relationship with goals where I felt that setting the goals made me feel anxious in and of itself because I didn't feel like I could ever live up to the goals. It was difficult to figure out which goals to come up with and how to execute them. So we're going to focus on two different things that I've learned through my study that have helped me to change the types of goals that I set, and that have helped me to reduce my anxiety in relationship to the goals that I set and also to set goals that actually reduce anxiety in my life.
Now Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, he is, or was, unfortunately he passed away in 2021, he was a famous psychologist who was the author of flow theory, of being in the zone. We're going to talk a lot about a particular book of his today. But he said something that is important. He talks about how the normal condition of the mind is chaos. When we leave our mind to itself, it will drift to negative things. That's the way that we're generally programmed to behave because negativity has tended to be more adaptive as far as survival in the past. So the normal condition of our mind is chaos. That's what he purports. And he says it only in, when we are involved in goal directed activity, does our mind acquire order and positive moods. So he's pointing to goals as the means to give order to our minds that are otherwise going to be in chaos. Or in the case of those of us with anxiety issues, the normal condition of our minds is probably anxiety. In order to give positive moods and order to our minds, we need to have goal directed behavior. But it needs to be a certain type of goal directed behavior. Otherwise the goals themselves, like was my case previously, will create more chaos and more anxiety in our minds.
So the first thing to be aware of is, and this is something that Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi brings out in his book called The Evolving Self, he talks about how we need to create goals that increase our sense of autonomy. Our sense of choice right? We've talked before on other podcasts about how autonomy is necessary for us to feel like we are in control enough in our lives so that we don't feel anxious and depressed. We need the sense of autonomy. It's a basic human need. And autonomy is experienced when our behavior is self-organized meaning it's, it's our idea, not somebody else's idea; when it is congruent with our own values, it's consistent with what's important to us; and it originates from intrinsic motivation, or it's something that we want to do for its own sake and not because somebody else is going to give us something if we accomplish it. So self-organized congruent, congruent with our values and intrinsically motivated. This is how we're going to feel autonomy.
So, where does autonomy originate? Animals, as far as we know, don't really have autonomy because they don't really have a higher consciousness. Only humans have a part of our brain called the cortex that allows us executive functions that allows us the ability to think about our thoughts to project into the future. We're the only animals, the only creatures that apparently are aware of our own death. These are our higher thinking powers. Our ability to delay gratification, to control our own behavior, these all originate from our ability to think about our feelings and our thoughts. So if we want to really be autonomous, we have to exercise this part of our brain. This part of our brain is the seat of autonomy. Animals don't really have autonomy because they are going to be driven either by internal program programming or external conditioning. They don't really have autonomy. So our goals need to originate from our consciousness and not from these other parts of our brains that we have in common with animals, that are not really autonomous.
What's one example of one of these parts of our brains that can control us if we're not aware of it. Well, what about our genetic programming? Our genes have goals. We are not necessarily explicitly aware of them, but evolution has shaped our genes to have certain goals. And specifically the goal of our genes is to make sure that we reproduce often, as often as possible before we die. That we survive long enough to make copies of our genes, and preferably lots of copies. So that's what our genes want us to do. When we are driven by our genes, then we may end up in a situation like an adolescent girl who hasn't graduated from high school and is pregnant. She may have thought that she was doing what she wanted, that would make her more free. She may have thought that she was acting in concert with her deepest self, but probably she was just being directed by her genetic programming that was motivating her to make copies of her genes as early as possible before she dies. So in order to really have autonomy. We need to be able to use these higher thinking powers, to be aware that we have this genetic programming, that our genes are going to drive us with toward these goals that our genes have to make copies of our genes and to make sure that we survive long enough to make lots of copies of our genes. So we don't want to just let our genes drive the boat. We don't want to let our genes make our goals for us. But instead, we want to be able to understand the fact that we have this genetic programming and be able to step back and observe it, right? It's not a matter of suppressing or trying to disassociate ourselves from these parts of us, like our genetic programming. But being able to use our higher thinking powers to step back and observe and think, think about these urges and goals that we feel in us that are originating from our genes and think about if they're really consistent with what we want longterm. Our higher thinking powers have a special power, which is the power of time travel. And so we can look into the future, imagine the future, and think to ourselves, is this really what I'm going to want long-term? If this imaginary teenage girl that we referenced had been able to time travel in the moment in which she was acting in accordance with the goals that her genes had for her, and been able to think long-term, think of herself in 30 years looking back on this moment right now, and what will she wish that she had done? What is the path that is going to give her the most fulfillment, and the most satisfaction, and the most success in her life? She might have chosen, she might've had a different perspective in that moment. So what we need is the ability to step back and observe our genetic programming and to, instead of being subject to it, instead of having it drive our consciousness, drive our choices, be in charge of the steering wheel, to be able to have our wise self or our conscious self that part of our brain, our cortex, which is able to reflect on our thoughts and feelings and project into the future and compare all of that to what is actually deep down really important to us.
So it's this progress from being subject to certain genetic programming, to having certain genetic programming. So I'm not any more driven by my genes, but I'm able to observe that I have this genetic programming and reflect on it, and be able to think about whether or not this is actually the course that I want to take, whether these goals are actually the goals that I want to take.
Another example of a part of us that we need to learn to step back and observe, because if we don't, it can end up determining what we do in taking control of our choices, is our social programming. Our culture, right? We all each belong to a culture and social group with rules and values. And we need to be able to differentiate between those values that we have been raised in and our culture and our actual personal values. We need to be able to think about the values that our culture has given to us, because there are things that we are not going to be able to comprehend if we stay locked within the confines of our own culture and our own group perspective. And this is something that is really facilitated by traveling or living in another country. Because through this experience, I personally, the experience of living in Brazil, which I have for the past 15 years has really opened my eyes to the fact that there are certain things in my culture of origin, which is the United States, that are simply perspectives. They are the way that people tend to see things that is very different than the way that people see things in Brazil. For example, time in the United States, there is a real anxiety about time. Businesses are very concerned about not wasting your time as a customer, because we, as a culture, are very worried about our time. We want to use our time efficiently. We want things to be done quickly. In Brazil, it's not, it's not the same. People don't prioritize time and quickness in the same way. If you go out to get a hamburger, it's not going to be fast. You might have to wait an hour. Whereas, if you order pizza in the United States, they'll apologize if it takes longer than 20 minutes to bring you your order. Not the case in Brazil. But in Brazil, there are different values. People value more relationships and social interactions, and this has other benefits. So being able to straddle a couple of different cultures helps you to be able to look at the values in, in these different cultures and compare them. And be able to see what it is that is valuable in each. And that's what we need to do, as we transcend each of us, our own culture, is to be able to determine what our individual values are, and compare them to the values of our culture. So that we can organize our own goals and not simply let our culture determine what our goals are going to be.
Of course, there are a lot of other different inner parts of ourselves, like our ego, our inner child. Psychologist Richard Schwartz talks about various other parts that he names firefighters or critics. We have a lot of different parts of ourselves that if we are not able to think about them and step back and observe them, then they will control our choices and our goals, and we will not be autonomous. We will not be able to really think about what we actually want for ourselves long-term. So this may be something that you want to do with a therapist or a coach, to work on this ability to step back and observe these different parts of you, to be able to transcend them. To look at them from the perspective of your consciousness, from your wise self, be aware of these different parts of yourself, including your genes, your genetic programming, your culture. That if we don't differentiate from these different parts of ourselves, we will not be autonomous. We need to have our goals originate from our higher consciousness, from that part of us that's able to think about our other parts, that's able to project into the future. So this capacity to imagine into the future is really the key here. Because this is what differentiates us from the animals that have internal programming and external conditioning. We have this additional option, which is consciousness of time, consciousness of our own limited time. And if we can project ourselves 20, 30 years into the future and think back from that future perspective on ourselves right now, and think what will I want to have done with my life, that can really help us to make goals from the perspective of that consciousness, of the autonomous part of ourselves. To be able to think in terms of what I want to create with the time that I have.
The second thing I want to bring up is the idea that you want to have your goals increase the order in your mind rather than increase the chaos in your mind. Now evolution exists because nothing ever stays the same. And we have two choices. Basically, we can either go the direction of entropy, which is the direction of decay and breaking apart and getting more chaotic, or we can go the direction of evolution, which is what some people call negentropy. Or in other words, creation and growth. Being able to make things more orderly and more complex and more harmonious rather than more chaotic. So. Of course entropy, the chaos way, is the way that we are going to feel more anxiety. So we want to choose goals that are going to increase harmonious complexity in ourselves. Now again, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is going to be a great guide for this because, as I said, he is the psychologist that was really the pioneer in flow theory and flow psychology. And he spent his career learning about how it is that we can create the conditions for flow, or in other words, being in the zone. This type of concentration that allows us to not be worried and concerned about other things, where we just fuse with the task at hand and we lose the sense of ourselves. We lose a sense of time. We become fused with the action that we are doing. And the action itself is pleasurable and satisfying. We have this optimal state of inner harmony. This is the state of flow. This is a state of high order. This is internal order because we're so focused on what it is that we're doing that we lose track of our worries and we lose track of our concerns and we do not have anxiety. So how can we create goals that are going to move us toward the sense of inner order that we can experience in a state of flow.
Well, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi is really the authority on this. And he talks about the most important thing is making sure that the goals that you choose are not too hard and not too easy. We have to be aware of the demand resource balance when you choose our goals. So we need to make sure that the goals are demanding enough that they require our concentration, but not so demanding that they feel overwhelming, they feel like too much for us. We want it to be right on that boundary of hard, but not too hard. We want it to feel like the probability of success is extremely high but not totally certain. If we feel like the probability of success is completely certain because it's a goal that is so easy, that it's way down there below our resources, then it's actually going to be a boring goal. And it's not going to create that sense of inner order that we're looking for. That is going to free us from anxiety. But instead we want a goal that is going to be right on the edge of our skills. That is going to demand concentration. It's going to absorb our skills so that we don't have attention left over for other irrelevant information, so that we can merge our action and our awareness.
So there are lots of ways to do this, but if you find that the goals that you have are giving you anxiety, first of all, of course, you want to do what we said in the beginning, and we want to make sure that your goals are being chosen by your consciousness, by your higher self, your higher thinking powers and not by some other part of you that is simply driving the boat without your permission, because that's not going to create order. You're going to feel anxious because you're not in control. So you want it to be chosen by your consciousness. Second of all, you want it to be something which is hard, but not too hard, right? So if you're feeling a lot of anxiety, it's probably because the goal that you chose feels way too hard for you. So for me, when I was writing my dissertation, for example, I've told you how, before, how for three of the four and a half years that I was working on my doctoral degree, I was very very sick. So there were times when I felt like I wanted to give up and I wanted to throw in the towel. There was no way I could do this. Because this goal of writing a dissertation was so overwhelming, it was way, way too much. It was a goal which created anxiety because the demands were way above my resources. There's no way I could meet that goal. So, what I had to do was to find ways to create sub goals that were within my resources but that would keep me using all of my skills. They weren't boring goals, but they were right on that sweet line between too hard and too easy. So when I was really sick, these goals looked like, okay, for 30 minutes a day, I'm going to do something on my dissertation. 30 minutes was all I could muster. That would exhaust me for the rest of the day. But for 30 minutes, I would read something or, and I would try and write a couple of sentences. I didn't have to produce any particular thing, but I had to just try and work on it for 30 minutes. As I started to improve in health and get gradually better, I was able to extend this time period a little bit longer, too 45 minutes, to an hour. And then once I got better, then I had a period of a couple of hours that I had allotted to working on my dissertation. I found that I couldn't handle having a goal of working on it for five hours a day, because that would set me to that anxiety spot. It would set me to the point where I felt like I didn't have the resources for that. I had to find that time goal. I set a time goal because it was easy for me to tell if I was succeeding. I could tell by the clock, if I had a succeeded. And it was very discreet. It was very concrete. I knew what I had to do. I had to spend two hours on working on my dissertation. And then I would just work on it for two hours. And when the timer was up, sometimes I was in flow and I would continue working, or I would stop, but I knew that I had completed that goal. So that was one way that I got that goal down to manageable so that it wasn't creating anxiety, so that it wasn't too much for me.
Another way that I've done this in music performance is through creating process oriented goals, or goals that have to do with the process and not the outcome. So for example, in times when I have experienced a lot of performance anxiety, it's usually when I had the unconscious goal that I wanted to impress the audience members so much that someone in the audience would want to give me additional opportunities to perform. Now, this is a goal with really high demands because it's the kind of thing I could, where I couldn't control all of the elements involved. I couldn't control what the audience thought of me. I couldn't control their reaction and their feelings about my performance. And so this was going to make me feel very anxious because I didn't have the resources to make this goal happen. As I got better at learning how to create goals that were going to create order in my brain instead of chaos, I learned to create goals that had to do with things that I had control over. So for example, instead of thinking about an outcome, like wanting the audience to feel a certain way or respond a certain way to my performance, I would have the goal of focusing on the individual phrases as they came and expressing them in the way that I desired to express them creatively, to share some beautiful phrase in the way that I wanted to share it with the audience. So that was a goal more within my resources because it was something I had control over. I could focus on this phrase. I could imagine how I wanted to make it sound and I could create it according to that imagination. So this was something right in that spot where it was, it demanded my skills, it demanded my concentration. It was difficult. But my, the probability of success was extremely high because it was something that I basically had control over if I would just concentrate. So when I have been able to have goals like these, I have had performances where I experienced intense flow. And that is, as I said, a very pleasurable experience, pleasurable and satisfying experience to be in flow. It's that optimal state of inner harmony, where you just lose a sense of yourself. You lose sense of time and you're just fused with what it is that you are doing. It's a wonderful feeling. So, those are a couple of different ways that I adjusted some of my goals so that the demand resource balance was optimal for me.
I've worked with friends and coaching clients who have been nervous about tests. And we worked on instead of thinking about what kind of score you want to get on the test, what kind of grade you want to get on the test, which is something that's not totally in your control, right? Because you don't know what the questions are going to be. And there's different aspects of your environment that you might not be able to control in the test that might influence your performance. But, but you can focus on um, giving yourself time goals. How long am I going to work on each question? About, um, having the goal to simply answer your, answer each question the best you can, and then move on and not worry about uh, whether or not it's perfect. These types of goals are goals that can increase the sense of flow because they bring your goals into your realm of control, those things that you can control. And they require concentration so they're not going to be boring, but they're not too hard because they're within your resources.
If you want to work on this personally, you can sign up for coaching sessions with me and we can work on ways to manipulate your goals so that you can figure out how to change things so the demands are not beyond your resources.
So once again, just to review what we talked about today when you want goals that are going to help you to feel less anxious, first of all, you want goals that are going to augment your sense of autonomy. And autonomy resides in your higher thinking powers, in your consciousness. So that means that you need to have goals that originate from your consciousness, from your wise self, from those higher thinking executive functions in your brain that allow you to think about your thoughts. So one way to access, this is in time travel, as we said.
And the other thing is to find goals that are going to increase inner order, that are going to increase harmony, harmonious complexity rather than chaos. Goals that are going to help you evolve rather than be subject to entropy, right? And those types of goals are goals that help you to enter into flow.
So remember goals that increase your autonomy. Goals that increase the order in your brain, or in other words that help you to enter flow. These are two keys that can really help you to have a different relationship with goal setting that is not anxious, but rather it's something that helps you to feel satisfied and have an S state of inner harmony. So happy new year. Good luck setting your goals. If you need help, look me up and I can help you work through those. Thanks for listening again. See you next time.