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Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast. Glad to have you with me today. We're gonna talk about what to do when you are feeling irritation or annoyance or resentment for somebody, and you don't want to feel that way. I'm gonna tell you about a specific client that I coached who I'll call Katie, and a couple of her different situations that I walked her through because it can help you to understand how to regulate these emotions when this comes up for you.
So Katie was coaching with me about her relationship with her sister Nicole. She, and Nicole were very different. They didn't really see eye to eye politically, really on opposite ends of the spectrum. They didn't see life the same way. There was a lot of things that they disagreed on but the real issue with for Katie was that she felt extreme irritation and annoyance around her sister Nicole. Let me just launch into a very specific situation that we coached on 'cause that can help you to understand how to apply the principles that I'll teach you a lot better than if I just tell you theoretically or generally how it can be done.
So Katie and Nicole's parents passed away and they were cleaning out their parents' house. And they were both kind of dividing the work pretty equally. There was a lot of work to do. But Katie was starting to feel irritated with Nicole because Nicole would just come into the house and take what she wanted. She would make decisions about the things in the house without consulting Katie. Now, true, Katie didn't have a lot of space for things in her house. She wouldn't be able to take very many of her parents' things. When Nicole came one day and took this particular item that Katie really wanted, without asking Katie, she just took it and took it home. Even though Katie was pretty sure that Nicole knew that Katie had been using it. And Katie thought to herself, gosh, this, that's the one thing out of this house that I could really use and that I really want. And she just takes it. She's so self-focused. She's so bossy. She's so controlling. So this was Katie's default reaction, but she came to me 'cause she didn't wanna feel this way. It's her sister. She needs to be able to work in close contact with her to deal with her. And she knew that she'd feel a lot better if she could just feel less annoyed around her sister. So the first thing that we worked on in this particular situation, step one, was realizing something that we've talked about many times in our podcast already, that her emotion of irritation and annoyance was not being caused by Nicole. We've talked over and over again about how emotion science teaches us that emotions are not caused by the situation that we're in. They are caused by our brain appraising the situation and telling a story about it. And emotion science helps us even further because it de details for us the specific questions that our brains will ask in a situation, ask and answer, that will determine our emotion, that will frame the story that we're telling and generate the emotion. So we talked about how in this situation, her brain was telling a story about what had happened with Nicole and it was answering the following questions. How good or bad is this situation? Meaning does it help or hurt me? And how much? So that's the first question. How good or bad is it? The second question her brain was asking and answering was, how did I get here? Meaning, is it my fault? Is it someone else's fault? And the third question her brain was asking and answering unconsciously, of course, without her realizing it, all of these appraisals are pretty automatic. A lot of time we don't know that we've even asked and answered these questions. But the third question was, what should I do? Meaning how will this evolve going forward and what could I do about it? So those were the three questions her brain was asking and answering. So we went through and we had her try and think through what were the answers that her brain had come up with to these questions. The first question, how good or bad is this? Meaning does it help or hurt me? And how much? The answer that her brain had generated was that This is bad. This obstructs my goals because Nicole ends up with something that I need and want. The second question about whose fault is this, her brain had answered that This is definitely Nicole's fault. This is not my fault. It's Nicole's fault. And the third question that her brain had asked and answered, what should I do? Meaning how is this gonna evolve and what could I do about it? Her brain had answered by saying, well, she's gonna continue to behave this way. I won't be able to get what I need. She'll continue to get in the way of my goals and keep taking what I need and bossing me around and trying to be in control of everything. So these were the answers that her brain had generated that we uncovered to these specific questions, and we talked about how if she wants to change her emotion, she just needs to change the way that her brain is answering at least one of these questions. All three would be great maybe, but if you can't do all three, start with one. And so we walked through and I said, okay, of these three questions, how good or bad is it? Whose fault is it? And what should I do? Which one do you think would be the easiest for you to change your answer to? She thought about it quite a bit and she realized, okay, well maybe that one about whose fault is, it would be a little bit easier for me to tweak because I can't really say that it was totally Nicole's fault 'cause it was partly my fault for not taking care of myself. I was not communicating to Nicole that I really wanted and needed that one item. There's so much in this house, I can't take very much of it, I just really want that one thing. Because I didn't tell her that and she didn't have that information, it is partly my fault. And so as she thought through about what it would mean the next step about trying to communicate to Nicole about this item, she realized something else. She realized that she would actually end up changing the way that she answered the first question, the first question about how good or bad this is, because she realized when she seriously considered talking to Nicole about taking this item, that she didn't actually have room for it in her house, and she didn't actually want it because it wouldn't be realistic, there wasn't a realistic way to get it into her space. And so she realized that the outcome of the situation wasn't that bad as far as her goals went because she didn't actually have room for it anyway. So tweaking her answer to these two questions, realizing that it was partly her fault, and realizing that maybe it wasn't as bad as she had originally framed it, maybe her goals weren't the same as what he she had originally felt, then she was able to change the way that she felt in response to this situation.
Another time though, another situation came up where she felt extremely irritated. It was a small thing, but it just kind of uncovered irritation that had been bubbling beneath the surface. She and Nicole were sitting at a table with several different family members. They were playing games. And one of the family members had just come back from a trip and had brought back some chocolate from the country that they had visited, and they had three different types of chocolate. And two of the, the types, they had a, a big bar and the third type, they only had a little piece. Now the third type was the type that Katie really had her eye on that she really wanted. It was a dark chocolate with high cocoa content, and it was just the kind that Katie really likes and actually the other two types of chocolate had additives and things in it that Katie was allergic to. And so that third type of which there was only that little piece of chocolate was the only one that Katie really could eat. But then before Katie could even say anything about, you know, "can I have a little bit of that one?" Nicole just reached out, took that whole piece of chocolate and put it in her lap and just appropriated it and left only the other two types of chocolate that Katie didn't even want, that were too sweet, that were milk chocolate, they weren't the kind that she liked, and Katie just felt so annoyed and resentful of Nicole. So the irritation and annoyance for her sister just really came to a head again. And here she was coaching with me about it. And so we started to try and uncover, let's see how your brain answered these questions: how good or bad is it? Whose fault is it and what should I do? Because she realized that her emotion was not being triggered by Nicole. It wasn't Nicole's doing, it wasn't Nicole that made her feel upset. It was her own brain's appraisal of the situation. It was her own brain answering these questions and then generating an emotional response as a result. So we went through and talked about how good or bad is this? Katie answered, well, my brain thinks that this is really bad because Nicole takes the one piece of chocolate that I can eat all for herself. She leaves me with none. She's willing to do that. The next question about whose fault is it? Well, obviously it's Nicole's fault. The third question about what should I do? Meaning how will this evolve and what could I do about it? Well, Katie felt that Nicole just has a habit of behaving this way, that this incident showed that being around Nicole meant that Katie could not have access to the things that she wanted and needed, and essentially she felt like they're just on opposite teams. They don't want the same thing. Nicole's not on the lookout for Katie's wellbeing. So we uncovered her answers to these questions one by one, and then we talked about how she just needed to try and find a way to answer at least one of these questions differently. Which of these three questions I asked, would it be easiest for you to change your answers to? Not all of them are gonna be really easy to tweak, but some of them might be easier than others. What would be an easy place to start? That first question about how good or bad this is she thought, well, maybe essentially it's not that bad. If I really want some dark fine chocolate, I can go and buy myself a whole bar and I can eat it all by myself. Nicole doesn't actually keep me from eating all the chocolate that I want, so maybe I was blowing this up. It doesn't mean that I won't get chocolate that I love. Then I also started to help her think about how she could maybe change a little bit her answer to that third question as well. That third question about what could I do about it? Meaning how will this evolve and what should I do? And I started to ask her, is it really true that she is not on your team? Is there any evidence at all that she feels like she's on the same team as you and that she loves you? Can you think of anything that she has ever done to show that she's trying to connect with you to show that she cares about you? And Katie started to think about it and started to remember many different gifts that Nicole had given her on her birthday and on Christmas, and that Nicole had always made a point to remember and commemorate Katie's birthday. And not just Katie's birthday, but Nicole had written down and kept track of everyone in Katie's family, all of her children's birthdays and her husband's birthday, and she would always remember their birthdays as well and buy gifts for each one of them. And she remembered how Nicole was really consistently trying to find different things that they could do together, different, she would invite Katie to go on hikes, she would invite her to come over and and eat lunch. She was always trying to find different ways that they could meet up and converse, even though Katie was often trying to avoid these interactions. Nicole was instigating them. She was trying to make a space for them to connect. And so Katie, with this extra memory that she brought to her mind in answer to this question, she started to see that she would answer this question differently about how this will evolve in the future. She realized that maybe nicole doesn't have a habit of getting in the way of everything that Katie wants. Maybe it's not true that being around Nicole means not having access to the things that Katie needs and wants because they're not actually on opposite teams. Nicole actually does care about her and does care about her wellbeing and her family's wellbeing, and cares about connecting with her. And so in reframing this question that way, Katie was able to see this particular incident just as a, an isolated little thing. It didn't mean something global about Nicole's behavior or about how Nicole felt about her, or about how the future would go from here. It just meant that Nicole wanted that piece of chocolate and there was only a little bit and she, she got it. And it didn't prevent Katie from getting all the chocolate that she really wanted to get in the future. And it didn't mean that Nicole didn't care about her and didn't make great effort to show that. And so this new way of answering these questions helped Katie to generate a new appraisal, a new a story about these two specific incidents, and helped her to feel less irritated, to feel more connected and feel more loving toward her sister, which was what she really wanted.
So I just wanted to bring this example up for you so that to illustrate for you how you can go about regulating your emotions when you have some kind of negative emotion that you don't want specifically in this area of irritation, annoyance, anger. You can find a way to answer at least one of these questions differently. First, you need to go through and try and figure out how your brain is answering those questions in this particular situation. But once you know how your brain is answering them, then try and find a new way for your brain to answer at least one of those questions. Can you change your goals so they aren't impeded? Can you make it more complex than just the other person's fault? Anger and irritation and annoyance tend to put place the blame on the other. If you can find some way that it's more complex than that, maybe it's, maybe it's not just that person's fault, maybe it's partly a situation that kind of hemmed them in, maybe it's partly your fault. And then lastly, can you change your view of how you think that this will evolve? As I said before, it might not be easy for you to change your perspective on all three of these different questions, but if you can find at least one of these questions that's a little bit malleable, then you can find a new way to answer it and change your emotion in the situation. This can be a little bit tricky sometimes to do, especially if you're not experienced in it, and that's why it can be helpful to have a coach, an outside perspective, to help you to uncover the appraisal that you've generated. Because as I said, these appraisals tend to be unconscious. They're like that iceberg that's under the surface of the water. And it's hard for us to become conscious of them. It can help when someone else is asking you questions and helping you to dig in the way that you need to dig. And it can also help to have a coach to help you to understand how you might be able to answer one of these questions differently. So if you want some help on that, look me up and I can help you through with some coaching sessions in your particular negative emotion that you would like to change. But just remember those three questions. How good or bad is this? Whose fault is it? And what should I do? That this is what your brain is actually answering. And if you can change your answer to these questions, you will change your emotion.
So that's what I have for you today. Thanks for listening. Stay tuned now for our kindness narrative. It really helps you to change your default wellbeing levels if you can practice a way of seeing the world where you're aware of more kindness in it. And please share your own kindness narrative narrative with us if you haven't done so already, to help us keep this practice going.
Thanks so much and we'll see you next time.
This story happened during the time when my husband and I were living in Russia . While there, one of my weekly activities was to participate in a women's club dedicated to learning and service. The women took turns acting as group leader for one to two years at a time. There was one woman whom I will call Natasha who had been recently released as group leader and replaced by another woman . Natasha seemed to be suffering from loss of recognition and found it difficult to make the transition to just one of the group members. She often stood and contradicted the new leader or criticized her decisions. During one particular meeting I attended, Natasha stood and gave her usual critical remarks. Later in the day, I sat thinking over the direction Natasha's influence was leading the group. Then suddenly I remembered seeing her do something kind at the close of the last meeting. She had noticed a little boy whose mother was busy, had patted him on the head, tucked his shirt in and talked to him kindly. I decided I would write her a note to mention the sweet, pure service she had given to a child. She obviously had not done it for recognition, but maybe it would not hurt for her to know that I saw and appreciated it. It was not long after that as we were preparing to return home to the US that I received a call from her wishing us well and thanking me for the note. She said she was trying to do better in supporting the new leader, something I had not mentioned in the note. I was pleased and surprised how letting her know that I saw and appreciated her kindness to a child had made a difference for her . She had begun to see herself as someone who can be kind and thoughtful. I also had put away my negative feelings toward her and begun to see her as the woman who patted a child on the head, tucked his shirt in and talked to him kindly.